Eleven things I have learned since my mom died three years ago.
Hi everyone. It’s, unfortunately, that time of year again for me. I hope this post helps someone who is struggling with grief right now. Here are some things I wish I had known before I lost my mom that would have prepared me better for when she left this earth.
1. Life is too short to be working all the time.
I will admit that I am a workaholic. Before my mom’s death, I was either studying for school, working, or taking care of her. Literally, two weeks after my mom died, I went to an anime convention with one of my best friends. I usually go to conventions for networking purposes, but we went because I simply needed to have fun. I was so close to not going, but I talked myself into getting up and cosplaying, and I had a great time. It helped me take my mind off everything.
2. It’s not worth keeping a friend around if they make fun of your grief.
I don’t like that girl, so I’m going to say exactly what she did. She compared the way I spoke about grieving for my mother to the way Katara from Avatar the Last Airbender did, then proceeded to talk about how much she didn’t like Katara. She also poked fun at the way I was grieving for a close friend of mine too by the way. She was a terrible friend to me in general, and life is too short to be having friends who make fun of your pain.
3. It's ok not to be a "strong black woman" sometimes.
Black women are allowed to feel pain and be upset like everyone else. We do not constantly have to pretend we are ok in a world that's unkind to us. We are allowed to ask for help, take time off, and be selfish when needed.
4. People will show you if they really care about you.
There were people I did so much for who didn’t bother to reach out to me when I spoke up about losing my mother. My mom’s death (and my friend’s just as well) showed me to stop doing so much for people who wouldn’t do the same for you in return. Never again will I buy someone a birthday gift who didn’t even tell me happy birthday when my birthday came, or give someone who talked bad about me money. Stop doing so much for people who wouldn’t do the same for you.
5. You might find yourself getting attached to fictional moms.
I’ve always loved the show The Parkers, but I find myself watching it so much more. After all, I love Nikki Parker, Kim Parker's mother, so much more than I used to when I was younger because I no longer have a mother. Even though Nikki wasn’t perfect, I appreciated how much she cared for her daughter and how she was motherly to her daughter’s friends. She was just a motherly person in general, usually looking after those younger than her.
6. You’re a different person now, whether you want to admit it or not.
I pretty much had to start my life over when my mom died because she was always there, and I didn’t know what the world was like outside of her. I had so much maturing and learning to do when my mom passed away that it was rather ridiculous.
7. Life might be very confusing for you sometimes.
I have lost numerous loved ones over the last four years, and that has affected my mind. It can be challenging to think sometimes, especially during a misunderstanding. I have blown up at people that I love because of that, and I am deeply sorry for doing so. You have to hold yourself accountable for your mistakes towards others because of your grief.
8. Films about mother/daughter relationships might be too much to handle.
I ugly cried when I watched Turning Red. It's a beautiful film, but I can not bring myself to rewatch it.
9. Seeing someone who looks like them might be triggering.
One time, I was in the store, and I saw a man who looked a lot like my abuser. And I was about to drop everything in my hands and run out of the store until I realized it wasn’t him. I had a similar experience with my mother. There is a specific thrift store I no longer go to because one of the people who works there looks so much like my mother, and it pains me too much to see them.
10. You don’t have to share anything regarding your grief publicly if you don’t want to.
Not everyone is obligated to know the details of the relationship I had with my mother or any of the loved ones I have lost over the last few years. It’s best to keep some things to yourself, friends, and family. Strangers have no say about what you choose to share regarding your personal life.
11. It’s best to cut back on how much time you spend on social media.
Let’s be honest: Your mental health will probably not be the best; being online all the time and looking at negativity isn’t healthy. Cut back on how much time you spend online, but also be very selective with who you choose to follow and what you choose to engage with. Grief puts you in a bad mood at times, and looking at gossip, drama, and celebrity nonsense may worsen your mood.
Thank you all so much for reading. If you are interested in more of my writing, me and Amaya Janelle's new book Um, Do Not Call Me Sis, is now available for purchase! Offered in paperback, ebook, and audiobook.
Other ways to support my writing.