Going where I am wanted.

by Harriyanna Hook

 

One of my favorite quotes of all time is, “I'm not for everyone.”

 

I used to live by the quote, “If they don't give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair,” because I wanted to be included in things I wasn't a part of that clearly weren't interested in all I do. I wanted to prove that I belonged with them. The best way to network is to try to talk to those with interests similar to yours, right?

 

Now, about that quote. With the experiences I dealt with within the last two years, I don't want to do that anymore. I am more so following the quote “go where you are wanted” moving forward. It aligns much more with my current mindset and goals. Did I stop networking? No, but I started networking with people and brands whose vibes are much more similar to mine. I’d instead connect with those who see my value or would like to see it.



One fictional character I identified with growing up and still do to a certain extent as an adult is Howleen Wolf from Monster High. Howleen is a girl who simply wants to be loved and accepted. Because of that, she wants to fit into circles full of people who are different from her and just don't vibe with her all that much. She also switches up her style, thinking that would get people to like her more. I’ve struggled with all those things so much growing up and within the last few years. 

 

I did get upset with myself for repeating this behavior, but I'm human, just like everyone else here.



In March, on the blog you’re currently reading, The Black Nathalie Sancoeur, I talked about a community I joined in 2023 that was basically hell on earth. Everything with that group was a dilemma.

 

Even when I got kicked out of this community, I still felt as though I had to “prove” to others that I was worthy of being in their spaces. Mind you, outside of being interested in cosplay and anime; their brands did not align with mine. You tend to make poor decisions when you are most vulnerable; what was it that made me so vulnerable? The want for friendship. I wanted some friends to hang out with in person, friends to go try new restaurants with, cosplay with, go to museums together.  Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends, but most of them don't live in the same city as me; therefore, I only get to hang out with them in person only a few times a year. I did have a community, but I wanted one in closer proximity to me.

 

This wasn't just something I experienced outside of YouTube; I also felt as if I needed to switch up what I do, hoping I would be taken more seriously if my content were more in the classic “video essay style” and that if I went out of my way to work with other creators that would be beneficial. It is frustrating when you are constantly being told what to do to make your videos “better” when, in reality, people are begging for authenticity again. I had to remember what people came to my channel for in the first place. People come to my channel for more laid-back and relaxed content, as opposed to scripted content. They appreciated how I'd just sit on the floor in my bedroom, talking about what was on my mind. I did some experimenting this year and the videos that were most similar to what I used to do performed better. It was so stressful to spend weeks on a video only for it to get 1,000 views, as opposed to a video I spent three hours on getting that same amount of viewership. I don’t even get mad when people choose not to watch the videos that consume more of my time because no one is obligated to watch them.

 

My time and energy were being wasted trying to be like everyone else and just trying to be for everyone in general. I’m sticking to the status quo and going back to what I think is best for me. Right now, I genuinely don't care what anyone, including my family, says I could be doing to benefit myself. I need to be selfish with my overall life again for a while. 

 

I don't know what it is about me when I do things that don't make sense (to me, there are just particular things I don't care for, and I'm not letting anyone try to change my feelings towards it at this stage of my life. Right now is NOT a good time). I am reminded harshly to go back to being myself. I'm fine the way I am. My brand is fine the way it is. Those who like me are here.  It's a waste of time trying to prove myself to people and brands that just don't understand me, let alone bother to hear me out on what I do.

 

I wasn't enjoying any of it, and by “it,” I mean I wasn’t enjoying work anymore; I wasn’t enjoying creating anymore. Everything was starting to feel like a chore, and I was over trying to prove my worth to people who obviously had no interest in what I did.

 

I stopped bringing a folding chair to the table and started walking towards those who wanted me there. I went back to doing things the way I usually do them. 

 

I'm back to not caring what people think of me again. I've been much happier this way because when I started to care again when I joined that community, it was like I had a dark cloud over me, second-guessing all my decisions and feeling like I had to do everything I could to get these people to like me. Insecurity is something I left in the past, and I hate how I brought it back in 2023 because I was surrounded by too many people who thought they were better than everyone. Now, I may think I am the HBIC, but I don't think I am better than the next person because, at the end of the day, we are all human. Hannah Montana had a point when she said nobody's perfect! I hate the fact that I allowed people to humble me again like I did when I was younger.

 

Yall know my favorite quote from Empire I am about to repeat: I gotta put me first Lucious!

 

 

 

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