My mom's birthday is Valentine's Day. She's dead.

I have loved Valentine's Day since I was a little girl. I was always a bit too arrogant for my own in elementary school, and it was always a love for showing people that I appreciate them. When I was in middle school, you know, the time when people were first experiencing romance, I would get candy and give it to my classmates just to be nice. I didn't care about having a Valentine as much as my classmates tried to make me feel bad about it. I didn’t care in high school, either. I have always seen it as a day to show my friends and family that I love them. It’s also a day where I show myself how much I love myself! I’m obsessed with myself, ok!

But this day just isn't Valentine's Day; it's my late mother's birthday. In our household, this day was always about her, which is understandable because everything is about me when it comes to my birthday (even when it falls on Thanksgiving). Everything is about my sister on her birthday, too. While I showed my love for others, it was also a day for me to admire my mother and make sure she felt loved just as well. It’s always a blessing to live another year. 

When it comes to losing your mom, there are 3 days out of the year when it's tough (for me, at least) to get through: her death day, Mother's Day, and her birthday. These are significant days for them, so they hold more weight. Sometimes, it is Valentine's Day for other people if you realize Valentine’s Day is much more than romantic love. It is definitely Valentine's Day for me.

I cried so much on the first Valentine’s Day without her because her death was very recent at the time. The second Valentine’s Day wasn’t much different because I couldn’t stop thinking about her, so I turned my phone off and didn’t talk to anyone. The third was a little better, but I still wasn’t up for doing anything.

I want to be happy this holiday, but I am having a hard time doing so. I tried and tried and tried, but this day reminds me too much of my mom, and it probably always will because it’s what I have always known. On the morning of, before I would tell her Happy Valentine’s Day, I told her happy birthday. I have been alive for 26 years, and she’s been dead for a little over 3 of them. And guess what? The day after Valentine’s Day is my grandad’s death day. They both died in the same year. So, this time of year is dreadful in general for me. 

I have never been the person who’s sad on Valentine’s Day. It’s a day I used to look forward to. This holiday never brought me pain until the first Valentine’s Day after my mother’s death. As time passes, I do what I can to make sure grief doesn’t take so much control over me, mainly because I’m grieving for many people I love. Somedays, I am not able to handle the pain and want to be alone, and Valentine’s Day is one of them.

Happy birthday, mommy. Love you. 

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